Let’s be real – talking to teens about substance use or their future can feel like trying to defuse a bomb. Say the wrong thing, and BOOM! Defenses go up, and the conversation is over before it even starts.
If you’ve ever felt like your words are either ignored or met with eye rolls, you’re not alone.
But there’s good news: Motivational Interviewing (MI) is a game-changer when it comes to having meaningful, productive conversations with teens.
It’s an evidence-based approach that helps young people explore their own reasons for making healthier choices, without feeling pressured or judged.
Research shows it works in reducing teen substance use, encouraging positive behavior change, and even helping them take ownership of their future.
So, how do you actually use it? Let’s break it down.
How to Talk to Teens Without the Conversation Falling Flat
We’ve all been there: asking teens about their future, only to get a shrug or a one-word answer.
- “What do you want to do after high school?” → “I dunno.”
- “Have you thought about college?” → “Not really.”
- “You know vaping is bad for you, right?” → “Yeah.” (Keeps vaping.)
Frustrating, right?
The problem is that most conversations fall into one of two extremes:
Too Passive – You just listen and nod, hoping they’ll figure things out on their own. This can leave them feeling lost.
Too Directive – You take over, steering the conversation toward your own expectations. This makes them feel pressured and more likely to shut down.
Neither works.
The Better Approach: Motivational Interviewing
Motivational interviewing sits in the sweet spot between listening and guiding. It helps teens uncover their own motivations, organize their priorities, and make decisions that actually stick because they’re the ones driving the change.
What is Motivational Interviewing?
It’s a style of communication that came from the world of counseling, originally developed by two psychologists, William Miller and Stephen Rollnick. But you don’t need to be a therapist to use it.
Think of it like a mindset shift. Instead of giving advice or telling someone what to do, you create space for them to explore what they want and why it matters to them.
It’s been used for years to help people change habits and make healthier choices.
While originally developed for adults, usingmotivational interviewing with teens has become a powerful tool for parents, teachers, and mentors who want to connect without lecturing.
Why Motivational Interviewing Works So Well for Teens
The teenage brain is wired for independence. The more we push, the more they resist. MI flips the script, making them feel heard, understood, and in control of their own choices.
Try listening more than you speak and asking questions that make them feel in control – not interrogated.
Here’s why it works:
✔ Non-Judgmental & Non-Confrontational – Teens feel heard, not criticized.
✔ Encourages Self-Discovery – They explore their own reasons for change.
✔ Strengthens Confidence – They see that they can make better choices.
✔ Avoids Resistance – Instead of pushing them, it gently guides them.
Wondering how to get your teenager to talk to you? We’ve got you. Keep reading for real-life scenarios and simple conversation scripts you can actually use.
Who Can Use Motivational Interviewing?
You don’t need a degree or special training to use these techniques. You just need to care about a young person and want to support them without taking over.
Whether you’re a parent, teacher, coach, or mentor, these skills can help you have more meaningful conversations.
Think about those everyday moments in the car, at dinner, or during a late-night chat when they finally open up a little. That’s the perfect time to try this.
You’re not trying to fix everything in one conversation. You’re planting seeds and showing them you believe in their ability to grow.
And this doesn’t just apply at home.
Educators have powerful opportunities too – maybe it’s during a quick hallway check-in or a quiet moment after class.
A math teacher might notice a student withdrawing and say, “You’ve seemed a little off this week. What’s been on your mind?”
A coach could say after practice, “I know school pressure can feel like a lot sometimes. What helps you push through when it gets heavy?”
Even brief moments of curiosity and care can go a long way. You never know when a student is just waiting for someone to ask the right question at the right time.
Talking to teenagers about drugs, friendships, or the future can be tricky. These strategies make it easier to have honest, judgment-free conversations that actually go somewhere.
How to Use Motivational Interviewing in Real Conversations
This isn’t about memorizing a script. It’s about shifting the way you approach conversations. And these aren’t magic words. They’re just small ways to show you’re listening and that you trust them to take the lead.
Here are some simple techniques to try:
1. Ask Open-Ended Questions (Encouraging Exploration)
- “What’s something you’ve been thinking about a lot lately?”
- “If nothing was holding you back, what would you try?”
- Scenario: A teen is experimenting with marijuana but isn’t sure if it’s a problem.
❌ Don’t Say: “You shouldn’t be smoking weed. It’s bad for you.”
✅ Ask: “What do you like about using marijuana? What do you not like about it?”
Why? This helps them think critically rather than shutting down. - Scenario: A teen has no idea what they want to do after high school.
✅ Ask: “If you could design your perfect day five years from now, what would it look like?”
Why? It makes the future feel more exciting and less overwhelming. - Scenario: A teen spends all their time with one friend who seems a bit controlling
✅ Ask: “How do you usually feel after you hang out with them: more energized or kind of drained?”
Why? It invites self-reflection without making accusations. Teens often haven’t learned to check in with how relationships feel yet. - Scenario: A teen wants to avoid getting drunk at parties but still wants to go out with friends.
✅ Ask: “What’s your version of a good time at a party?”
Why? This shifts the focus to their personal definition of fun, not what others expect.
2. Use Reflective Listening (Building Trust)
- “It sounds like you’re feeling stuck and unsure about what’s next.”
- “So it helps you relax, and it also feels like everyone else is doing it?”
- Scenario: A teen says, “Weed helps me relax, and all my friends use it.”
✅ Try: “It sounds like you feel like marijuana helps with stress, and you also feel pressure because your friends use it. Tell me more about that.”
Why? Reflecting what they say builds trust and encourages deeper conversation. - Scenario: A teen says, “I don’t really know what I want to do after high school. I guess I’ll just figure it out later.”
✅ Try: “It sounds like you’re feeling unsure, and that makes it easier to put off thinking about it. What’s one thing you do know you want for your future?”
Why? This keeps the conversation open instead of overwhelming them.
3. Affirm Strengths (Boosting Confidence in Change)
- “You’ve been through a lot, and I really admire how you’re handling things.”
- “The fact that you’re even thinking about making a change shows real strength.”
- Scenario: A teen is thinking about quitting vaping but isn’t sure they can.
✅ Try: “I really admire that you’re thinking about what’s best for yourself. That takes a lot of courage.”
Why? Affirmations help them believe in their ability to change. - Scenario: A teen expresses interest in a career but doubts themselves.
✅ Try: “I think it’s awesome that you’re exploring what excites you. That curiosity will take you far.”
Why? A little encouragement goes a long way.
4. Roll with Resistance (Avoiding Arguments)
- “It seems like this is something you’re still figuring out. Want to talk more about it?”
- Scenario: A teen says, “Everyone smokes, and I don’t think it’s that bad.”
❌ Don’t say: “That’s not true! Plenty of teens don’t smoke.” Even though stats show most teens don’t smoke, this isn’t the moment to bring that up. It can feel combative and shut the conversation down. Save that info for another time, when they’re more open to hearing it.
✅ Try: “It sounds like you feel that smoking is pretty normal in your social circle. What do you think might happen if you stopped?”
Why? This avoids a power struggle and encourages self-reflection. - Scenario: A teen says, “College isn’t for me. I don’t even know why everyone cares so much.”
✅ Try: “It sounds like you feel a lot of pressure about college. What kind of future would excite you the most?”
Why? It keeps the conversation open rather than shutting it down. - Scenario: A teen says, “Steroids help you build muscle faster. What’s the big deal?”
❌ Don’t say: “That’s dangerous and totally not worth it.”
✅ Try: “Sounds like you’re seeing results and that’s motivating. What would you say are the trade-offs or risks, if any?”
Why? You’re not challenging their experience, you’re helping them weigh the full picture on their own terms.
5. Elicit Change Talk (Encouraging Self-Motivation)
- “What would be the upside if you made a change?”
- “On a scale of 1 to 10, how ready do you feel to take the next step?”
- Scenario: A teen is unsure if they want to quit vaping.
✅ Ask: “If you decided to quit, what would be the biggest benefit for you?”
Why? They identify their own reasons for change. - Scenario: A teen is struggling with motivation for their future.
✅ Ask: “On a scale from 1-10, how important is this goal to you?”
Why? It helps them evaluate their priorities.
6. Develop a Plan (Small Steps Toward Change)
- “What’s one thing you could try this week that might make things a little easier?”
- “If you were to take a small first step, what would that look like?”
- Scenario: A teen wants to cut back on vaping but doesn’t know how.
✅ Ask: “What’s one small step you could take this week to use less?”
Why? Small steps make change feel manageable. - Scenario: A teen is overwhelmed by future planning.
✅ Ask: “What’s one thing you could do this month to learn more about a career or path that interests you?”
Why? Breaking big decisions into small actions makes them easier.
Less Lecturing, More Listening
When teens feel emotionally safe, they start to open up – sometimes in small, surprising ways. It might not happen today or even this week, but every time you show up with curiosity instead of control, you’re building trust. That trust becomes the foundation for the kinds of conversations that matter most.
So, the next time you’re heading into a conversation with your teen, try keeping these in mind:
✔ Listen more than you talk.
✔ Let them explore their own reasons for change.
✔ Avoid confrontation – guide, don’t push.
✔ Celebrate small wins and affirm their ability to change.
Motivational Interviewing isn’t about convincing teens to change, it’s about helping them discover why they want to.
When we stop pushing and start listening, that’s when real growth happens.
